Real Intimacy 3

Aidy-Thomas

It’s still not very clear whether to say that intimacy precedes love or you grow to love someone you are intimate with.

Sam Keen’s thought “we come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly” sounds really nice but in practice, is it that easy? If the imperfection is about mundane usual things found everywhere; that’s fine but how do you cope with an imperfection of a spouse who has sworn to destroy your entire existence?

Relationship challenges are in different categories and anyone that appears to be dangerous to your progress should be treated with care. Is it possible to say that you are intimate with someone and would not want to please them?

Going all out to discover the need of your spouse and making effort to fill that gap will bring you close and relevant. A partner that knows what will make the other person happy but refuses to do it is only being naive and short-changing himself/herself.

The question is ‘if you do not like how he/she behaves, should you bother about getting intimate? Are you able to overlook the attitude/ weaknesses and still show unconditional love?

There are basic things you can cope with but if there are outstanding issues that have the possibility of destroying you, why would you want to put your life on the line? Desperation should not at any point be the motive for any union; you need to be convinced that you’ll be able to handle your disparity.

Most folks do not like to hear that intimacy goes beyond just your physical bonding to mental and spiritual aspects. It is possible for you to be intimate with someone in one sense without involving sex and there are a million sex partners around the world who have no clue of what intimacy is. Yes! Sex is part of intimacy and sometimes used interchangeably but a real intimate relationship is a point where there is an interface of all human aspects.

Does sex on its own mean you are intimate? What happens to couples who feel unloved, unfulfilled and even unwanted right in the arms of each other? There have been cases of impervious hatred ensuing right after sexual relations- they just hate each other.    Getting to know someone closely, agreeing to be together and devising a means of mutual understanding adds colour to intimacy and makes life little more meaningful than going behind the clothes. It would be nice to ask what is your relationship with the person and how do you feel after sex?

I read something about intimacy sometime ago “Intimacy means getting ‘into’ the other person”.  Or I’ll rather say that intimacy is getting to know what others do not know about someone- others may see the surface but you are privileged to see beyond the cover up. That is why friends who are intimate can tell, hear and know things that the public see in grey. The more you know of someone, the more vulnerable they are to you and the easier it is for you to hurt them.  Why? –because you know so much about them and can decide to use the information against them- what a shame!

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How To Get Intimate With People

Be realistic: Real intimacy is usually not forced. It will take both of you to connect and figure out what brings you together and the joy you share. Do not expect so much of people; realise and agree that you cannot find a total package in one soul.

Love yourself first: All the time, we see people who have been battered in life seeking refuge in fresh relationships just to help them heal. There is a really high possibility that your dependence on your new found love would soon drown him/her. You need to be confident in who you are; loving to be ‘you’ before you can open your heart to love and be loved.

Accept: The desire to change people to suit your taste is so high that you’ll practically forget how it is affecting the other person you’re putting through ‘compulsory adult education’. Sometimes it is dicey to talk about acceptance because no one knows exactly where the boundary is between acceptance and being nonchalant. It is said that “You correct the people you love” but when ‘acceptance’ says take all my rubbish without complaining; what do you do? Be wise! Don’t compromise values.

Be easy to love: You should not make yourself a project for the person you love to understudy before they can have peace. Lay down basic principles of your life that will enable people follow you and see you just the way you are.

Take responsibility for your happiness: There is really no point making others the focus of your joy/happiness. You have to live your life and cope in difficult times without always seeking comfort in man- what if they openly refuse to be there for you? Life goes on!

Focus on the good: Learn to bring out the good things about your spouse and never be tired of telling them how much they have impacted your life. The more you praise people, the better result you get.

Be slow to speak: Talking to outsiders about your relationship is core betrayal and your partner will not find it funny in any way. Sharing private information at any level will not be celebrated by the one who is affected. If you want to keep friendship; watch your tongue,  even when the relationship is over.

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