Real Intimacy

By Aidy Thomas

Desiring to be intimate with your spouse is something most people would give preference to anytime, any day. There is a subtle controversy though whether intimacy in relationships should refer to core sexual acts alone or the entirety of a loving union. Yes, intimacy basically flags closeness and sexual implications form a greater part for lovers. So when intimacy is mentioned in most cases where two adults have agreed to stay in emotional relationship, much leaning is given towards sex than mere being fond of each other.

As crucial as the subject of intimacy could be in relationships, it is the least discussed problem. People prefer to suffer in silence or take wrong steps which make the situation worse or unbearable. It’s ‘natural’ for people to learn and seek counsel for other areas of marriage and family life but anything concerning sex remains under the carpets—it creeps out quite often and bites the union really badly.

A man is quick to ask for ways he can make more money to meet his family needs; a woman goes out of her way to learn how to prepare dishes from around the world so she can wow her Prince. People buy expensive books on financial trade/success—even when they don’t read them but the issue causing so much pain in their home remains untouched.

When shall adults behave like one when and where they need to? How else should we explain to people that they deserve to be sexually fulfilled in marriage? A little counsel, reading and sharing with the right kind of people can go a long way to liberate your union. Learn from authorities who can help you in different aspects of life—they are specially trained to ‘bail’ you out.

Other people may not know what your relationship is being subjected to but the truth stares you in the face. How do you tell someone your spouse is not good enough; Can you own up to the fact that you are not getting enough from your mate? Who will understand with you if you finally express frustration? Would the society still accept you for wanting more…? There are just too many questions racing through the hearts of couples than can be expressed in writing.  Eight out of every ten relationships would love a total change in the bedroom but no one is bold enough to say so. Most of the times, the best you get from people in troubled relationships are anonymous letters or notes with changed or pseudo names. In any case, my interest is not in knowing who has which problem when they already crave privacy but to help in the simplest way. Here is a sincere cry from a troubled wife who does not want her marriage to split. I’ll call her Tonia for the sake of privacy. She wrote…“I have been married to my husband for the past five years. We started the marriage with my hubby doing a high profile job that kept him away from home for two weeks before coming in to spend a weekend with me. The highest time we could spend in the whole month would be three weekends and this did not happen often. I was always looking forward to his home coming and the excitement was out of this world.

After 13 months of marriage, the contract finished and my hubby needed to come home and look for something else to do. Another job didn’t come too soon but the savings we had from the previous job and my lecturing was enough to keep both of us going. It wasn’t a long time before my man started raising issues about my low libido and how it affected him.

For me, keeping intimacy till weekend worked out great and besides; this was what we started with and grew for a reasonable period of time. He absolutely rejected my idea and would become so angry and resentful for my lack of interest. I took time to explain to him how much I loved him but he never listened. It soon turned to blackmail… “If you love me then proof it”. Now, the relationship is at its brink and something tells me any more refusal from me might spark trouble”.

…Tonia

Dear Tonia,

The fact that you are writing this note goes a long way to convince me that you love your husband and would do what you can to keep the relationship. You are so lucky that the solution to your problem lies right in your hands; some people do not have it that easy. You can imagine if it were the other way round—you needed to win your hubby over to you: how would you feel? I do not want to sound as if I’m not identifying with your problems but to be honest, you are in the best position to fix this crack. Get yourself together and save your love.

Things to note…

Gender differences: Naturally, men tend to be more involved in intimacy because of higher testosterone level 40:20. Few people may differ.

Great expectations: Your relationship is relatively young and the fact that you were distant in a time makes your husband want to have you more.

Fear: The situation spells rejection for your partner and he may even be suspecting that you have an external relationship since he was not always around.

Tension: Loss of job is enough tension for any man and you turning down his advances could make him feel totally down.

The fact really is that being happy in any relationship requires adjustment. You need to think about the other person; put yourself in his/her shoes and learn to treat them the way you would love to be treated. When there is a build up of resentment, quarrel, doubt, etc. getting into real intimacy can be challenging.

Humans love with memories and if your spouse has not invested enough in your emotion to convince you how much he/she loves you, sharing your body in total surrender would continue to be an issue but whatever the case, put your differences away and work towards the success of the relationship you openly vowed to protect. Good luck!