21st October, 2011
The human nature doesn’t like being told what to do not to mention saying it time and again. Isn’t it amazing that even a child feels he/she knows what to do and desires to be left alone? The human mind as it were is very strong and craves independence as much as possible. When a picture of impending danger is yet to be clear, we switch to adventure as a means of justifying actions; all these go a long way to show how satisfied man/woman could be with the fact that no one is forcing them to do what they wouldn’t want to. Cast your mind back to when you were probably a teenager and your parents had to be away on holiday for a few days; leaving you at home with the other siblings; incredible, wasn’t it? No one wakes you up at dawn for family prayers, dishes could be piled as high as used, TV could stay on the whole night if you didn’t want to sleep, etc. And you’ll only do a quick fix once they are on their way back; meanwhile you’re wishing they could be away for longer but there they were, back to direct and guide; the bit of life you don’t so much enjoy.
One would have thought that feeling this way was a thing of adolescence but there it followed you right to adulthood, into your home where you’re soon hoping to become a parent; is life not a bizarre circle of some sort?
At this point, I’ll like to make reference to my personal definition of nagging as ‘an inappropriate cry for help’. As mentioned before, it’s not the point they’re making that is inappropriate but the manner in which they present it; continuously, repeatedly, angrily, painfully and fault-finding. Ignoring how the message is passed for once, we dare to mention that there is sense in their desperate cry only that they need to learn how to communicate it effectively.
When things are not right in a marriage, couples employ different ways to make their feelings known and unfortunately, nagging happens to be one of it. A sex starved spouse is likely to nag and quarrel about little things without coming out plain to unleash that desire for intimacy. In most cases, men could go as far as ignoring their responsibilities in the home when the ‘bed room’ is functioning well. In essence, nagging sometimes is a cover up for trouble areas. What they really want to communicate is ‘I’ll need more of your help in this area’ but they end up saying; ‘You are totally useless to me in this area,’ which is what gets the other person angered and so irritated that he/she makes the problem to escalate instead of finding solution.
Other areas include:
Finance: Haven’t you noticed that money makes love sweeter? Oh yes, when a relationship is going through tough financial times, it would take a really mature spouse to be there for you. This is a time wives snap the most and literally lose respect for husbands. Little things annoy them and comparison becomes the order of the day; they just keep nagging. How money is spent in the relationship can also be a point of disagreement; be it whether one is stingy, neglecting family responsibility or being extravagant outside the home. The way money is going or coming is important.
Health: You might never be able to tell how grumpy your spouse could be until he/she finds himself/herself in a health situation where they depend solely on others to survive. It’s really annoying; anything you do is read deeply into and your inability to meet up with demands becomes abandonment while they sit or lay in one place, craving attention.
Care: Be it care of the home or your body, if neglected in any way may cause serious fracas in the relationship. What baffles me is when people who cannot tidy up turn around and expect everywhere to be spick- and- span. Who do they want to do the job? You, and if you don’t, trouble comes. Others on the other hand, know exactly what to do and if married to someone on the other side of cleanness find it a bit difficult to cope with their clumsy nature and what do you expect? Nagging of course, they’ll keep reminding you to put things right and sure you won’t like that constant reminder.
Perception: Nagging can arise as a matter of sheer perception. When your actions are not clear, suspicion could come in and it is solely your responsibility to explain and clear any form of doubt that could make your spouse think negative of you. Some people enjoy faking situations to make their spouses jealous but this might land you in trouble one day if care is not taken. I’ve handled situations where a man/woman pretends to be speaking on phone to an opposite sex in front of the spouse and is happy to announce it was a conversation with a friend. This is not a nice way of testing if your spouse really loves you or getting to know how he/she would react if something of sort happened. Don’t ever give an impression you’re cheating; it’s not fair.
There are a million reasons people would nag but whatever your situation, get it that both the nagged and the nagger are unhappy; we all love a peaceful home coming after a hard day’s job.
How to quit nagging:
1. Self control would help you say no to the temptation of speaking angrily to your loved one even when you have reasons to.
2. Take responsibility for your life; don’t ask for too much, do something too.
3. Accept that things must not always be your own way.
4. Try discussing instead of commanding or making demands.
5. Take things easy; there is no need to compete with each other.
6. Be happy to help where your spouse is weak
7. Learn to accept that no one is perfect
8. Give others time respond to you, don’t be forceful.
9. See yourselves as working toward one goal; this reduces selfishness
10. Talk nicely; use a good voice tone to make your point/request. Don’t accuse or blame, this only makes people defensive and aggressive.
11. Accept that you are different and work together to be happy.
12. Stop seeing yourself as the teacher; your spouse did not marry you to be their teacher- always giving instruction to be followed. Neither do they need another mummy or daddy in their personal home; they would have had enough of that in their parents’ home. Just learn to be lovers; sharing your lives together in a loving and warm manner.