24th June, 2011
True love is neither physical nor romantic; it is an acceptance of all, that is, has been, will be and will not be. Getting into marriage with anything less than the above description of love could either make you frustrated, disappointed, uncomfortable and continuously wanting to quit. As a young girl, seeing a couple in their car smiling and chatting makes you feel “oh, how sweet that union is; I long for one just like that so we could keep each other company for the rest of our lives.†Then you get married, expecting it would be your way, but there comes the surprise—it’s not an all smiles affair.
There are really hard times you have to be strong and determined to carry on. Times you would ask several questions without necessarily expecting answers, painful moments of regret, self blame, shifting blames and ultimately wishing you were dreaming that all you’ve seen have not really happened and would never happen to anyone, not to mention you. But there you are, the very focus of the pain, the one feeling and going through it, knowing where and how it hurts.
Angelica said “I’m married to a top executive who owns chains of investments of all kinds, sponsors businesses for poor but ambitious youth, pays rent for the homeless and gives freely to those who care to ask. Anyone seeing my position as the wife of this mogul would be dead jealous, thinking all the good things of life is at my disposition including unlimited cash, but this is more than wrong. I beg him for money to buy family needs, while clothes are chosen and bought by him. I have no say over anything; choice of children’s school, holiday, name it. I just live for the sake of it. In fact, it’s like I’m walking on an egg shell in my own home; the children mustn’t laugh louder than he wants and life generally revolves round him; What a thrash? I’ll continue to be there since he hasn’t asked me to leave and above all, the cost of leaving might be a lot higher.â€
You might pay a low fee for divorce but its actual cost is paid by the members of your family even down to the next generation. No matter the excuses or justification, the word, divorce, constantly points to one thing—Loss. Whether you are a partner initiating it or the one resisting or a child who has no say or choice in the matter, you will incur serious losses as its result. This may come in form of loss of social life, daily family contact, household assistance, relatives, regular routine, etc. The list goes on and on but the bottom line is life can never be the same.
Adjusting to what you’ve been used to all your life is difficult and coping with this change gives birth to a lot of adverse behaviour in children; causing them to display all sorts of strange approach to life, from the issue of trust, low self esteem to being arrogant, thinking it’s better to hurt others before they do their worst, abandoning you.
Unfortunately, the world we live in is not doing so much to help marriages succeed. Rather, it makes provision for divorce at the slightest opportunity. She breaks the plate, divorce her, he comes home late, divorce him, she spends too much money and time shopping, send her away and he doesn’t bring enough money for food, walk away. Why are we trying to play down so much on the reality of divorce and making it seem as if it’s no big deal parting ways? Do we ever sit back to consider our investment in relationships: time, emotion, money, sacrifices, etc, all going down the drain at once? I think it’s a bit too much and important to be treated with levity.
We all know it’s a lot easier to get a divorce paper than work on a problem at hand. People feel terminating the relationship, put the problematic spouse away from our lives but sometimes, this opens up a brand new path of uncertainty and unhappiness, leaving you guilty and eternally unable to forgive yourself for not making it work at first.
The truth is that keeping a marriage could be real hard work; sometimes, you think the grass is greener on the other side of life and may be tempted to give it a try, but guess what? Your grass is as green as you nurture it. When we want to quit a relationship just for selfish reasons, it therefore means the fate of all other members of our family hangs at the mercy of our feelings. Do they really deserve all the trauma of your choice? Yes, it’s true, once in a while, love gets hidden behind resentment, quarrels, financial difficulty, etc., but it remains your responsibility to bring it all out to where it could be felt, seen and enjoyed. Love, I tell you, is a decision and the only way we should be working hard to make our decision succeed. If we chose them, let’s live with them and be happy.