Insecure Spouse (2)

Insecurity is not a problem attributed to only one gender, it knocks on the door of every heart and leaves you with the option of whether to open the door and welcome it or guard your heart with great diligence. The most touching of them all is when a child is raised by insecure parents and tends to acquire it as part of life. We can confidently trace some problems in the society today to the way a child feels about him or herself. Someone once asked “why are the poor and downtrodden always violent and dangerous?” The answer is clear and very simple; they feel left out in life. It may also surprise you to hear that they have little or no value for life since already, there is a sense of deprivation.

Realising they are on the other side of life makes people want to try some funny things; perhaps they may gain influence or power over others or be recognised, feared or loved, after all. This explains why cultism, prostitution, bullying, withdrawal, etc., is on the increase. Be it in marriage or social stratum, attitude stands people out. Your past is inevitable as it forms the foundation of your future and life as a whole. Different encounters we have daily with colleagues, friends and associates simply tell us, to a great extent, what they’ve gone through in the past and while feeling inadequate is a terrible state of anyone’s life, there’s always an effort to prove you arer supposed to belong to a certain class. Jane Brooks, when asked why she considers prostitution a permanent job, simply replies: “It gives me a sense of fulfilment no one ever offered. Fulfilment, I must confess, is not in the sexual act itself because you often end up being there as a toy for your client, but the fact that someone desires me and wants to be with me keeps me in this business. The money too may be good, but any other job could have offered me money without addressing my emotional need, someone telling me how important I am. Life is a lot sweeter when you feel needed and useful.”

This, indeed, should be an eye opener for us parents. Did it ever occur to you that that teenage girl of yours is hanging out with that irresponsible boy just because he says nice things to her? He doesn’t even have a penny to give her nor take responsibility should anything happens, yet she vows never to leave him? Look closely, the need of human beings goes beyond material desires. People want to feel loved and accepted and if you don’t create an atmosphere of love where your young child can receive adequate love and warmth, a little flattery would cause a wreck in life. If all your child gets from home is criticism, bullying, unhealthy comparison, etc., insecurity is bound to set in, thus making him or her feel ‘never good enough for mom or dad.’

On the other hand, Justin, a university undergraduate, was asked why he’s a member of campus cult and gang and he accepted ‘it makes people fear you especially those small boys whose parents have spoilt with lots of money and comfort.’ Come to think of it, is this a good enough reason for a guy to risk his life? Unfortunately, they have now initiated children of the so-called rich men, so they can sponsor their financial need. What a life? Failure to dance to their tune either keeps you permanently on the run or reduces you to nothing at all; you are neither heard nor seen where they are. This, in fact, is the main aim—to get you out of the way so you don’t overshadow them. What terrible thing insecurity can do to people?

I want to believe insured people are never really happy. It’s either they’re feeling so low and unworthy or they are busy thinking of ways to make others come as low as well. There is no time to enjoy what they’ve got.

Generally, insecurity is given birth to when you feel there is something you are lacking in life and if others have it, may either look down on you or not want to be associated with you at all. This becomes more challenging when a man or woman starts feeling the spouse is meeting and mingling more with people of higher standard than them either at work or play and may tend to appreciate or want to be with them.

Get rid of that negative perception of yourself; you are special, if not he or she would have chosen to marry someone else. Don’t be intimidated by what you think others have, they may not even value it that much, besides, you’ve got something peculiar to you and remember, no one is a total package; no one is completely free from challenges.

In most cases, the experience of past relationships makes insecurity come so real. If you have trusted your spouse with all you had and ended up being cheated and abandoned, it may take a great effort for someone to convince you to give love another chance, even when they are genuine. Growing with this suspicion makes you:

(a) See problems where none exists: The fact that your last relationship broke just at the point before marriage is most likely to make you suspect your next love any time he or she starts to keep a distance. Once there’s a drop in phone calls, you just go gaga, blasting and suspecting he or she is spending more time with another person somewhere. This may not be true, but you can’t help thinking this way. Once beaten is twice shy.

(b) Act in an overprotective manner: You cannot hide the fact that you don’t want anyone near your man or woman. People do this in diverse ways. Some demand explanation to every phone call and mail, while others are bold enough to confront with strong warnings. The one that breaks the ribs is when a person tries to render the other unattractive so people do not get to admire him or her at all. A married woman said to me: “My husband tells me he hates make-up and would not have me go near it for any reason.” He was also choosing loose and long clothing for her and changed her whole dress style but one day, she overheard him say to his friend how he’s been able to keep the wife from looking nice so that no one sees her as beautiful and that made her wonder if this man really loved her and wanted her happiness.

(c) Always threaten your spouse with what you have.

(d) Provoke the other party to jealousy.

(e) Say things to stir reaction.

(f) Flirt with people to prove you’re desirable, etc.

Self assurance is the antidote for insecurity; whatever good thing (education, new job, new wardrobe, holiday, spending time with friends, etc.), you think can help you feel fulfilled, go for it and think well of who you are and what you can do. Note that we were not born to be the same; life is better with our differences. Be proud and happy to be you.