26th November, 2010
I am using this opportunity to say a big thank you to all my readers who have patiently followed my write-ups for some years now. I receive a lot of responses week in and out after published articles, some calling for help in relationships or comment on the internet page, while others just share their experiences with me. Today I’ll specifically look into some questions that have been asked over time and probably the ones tagged ‘urgent.’ Love & Life respects your privacy so you can be sure no real names would be used even if there’s any form of coincidence, just discard it, it’s definitely not you.
Unfaithful Wife
Dear Mrs. Thomas,
I’ve been married to Tina for about one year now. We met during our school days and every one who knew us felt we were the best fit for each other. I love my wife dearly but she seems not satisfied with what I’ve offered. Every time, she complains I’m not expressive; she wants me to tell her “I love you, darling†often and this, I’m finding a bit difficult. I keep telling her to register it in her mind that she’s the one I love. I buy good things for her, nice car with a driver, flourishing business and maids to attend to her domestic needs and child care. Each time she sobs and withdraws to express sorrow, I get totally upset, thinking she’s asking for too much.
Recently, I returned from work to meet my wife asleep with a copy of love letter written to her by another man before we got married on her chest. I took the letter, read it and hid it despite all her pleas. I think my wife is being unfaithful to me.
—Ben, Lagos.
Hello Ben,
Following your letter, you are still very young in this journey of marriage, congratulations and welcome to the experience. If your marriage is within one year, I want to tell you that you are just beginning to understand each other. It’s often said that the first five years of marriage is sometimes the hardest to manage. You’ll need to disagree on many things before reaching a common ground. Forget how many years you dated before you finally settled down. I tell you, marriage is different from courtship, it’s now you’ll get to know your real spouse. Your wife complains you are not expressive enough, do you know that a woman values your compliment and attention more than the material things you offer? Yes, tell her you love her, it gladdens her heart and lightens her mood. You’ve done well to provide material comfort for her but she needs you more. Spend more time with her on weekends or when it’s convenient for you. Take her shopping and let the driver go service cars or do other things. Driving around town together affords you the opportunity to see things and share views about life, thus getting to know her better. Don’t ever think your spouse is asking for too much, you’re the only person she’s got a covenant relationship with for life with. Now, coming to the issue of whether your wife is having an affair with another man, I’ll probably say no. What I think is challenging your wife is the ability to manage her emotions. According to you, this was not a recent love letter she received but one got ever before marriage (although I don’t know why she still kept such). There’s every possibility that someone else was good at expressing verbal love to your sweet heart and each time she feels down, she quietly pulls out the letter to encourage herself. Who knows, she might have been weeping and feeling lonesome, wondering why you are not telling her nice things, then she slept off. You may think this is fantasy, yes, it happens even to married people and that is why you should not push your spouse too hard to start remembering ‘the good old days’ he/she would have had before marriage.
Marriage is not a place for regret, it should actually be enjoyed and there is nothing as lovely as two intimate people living together and sharing life. Try and be there, bring her close, ask your loved one what you can practically do to make her happy. If all is well, what would someone be looking for outside? Don’t let your wife’s mind wonder, be happy together and please don’t be unfaithful.
Hard To Choose
Dear Mrs. Thomas,
I’m a lady in the late 20s but still single. My aunt, who brought me up after my parents’ departure, is making life really difficult for me. It’s understood she’s spent some money to educate me to graduate level but does this mean she should manipulate my life? The guy asking my hand in marriage is slightly deformed in the left leg as a result of a motor accident which almost claimed his life. My aunt insists I cannot marry him because he limps. What should I do?
—Cheryl, France.
Dear Cheryl,
It’s a pity you are in this difficult situation. I can’t imagine how tough life has been for you during this period, especially if you truly love him.
The fact is, marriage is a life-long commitment, ask yourself and be sure if you can live with this man all the days of your life and be proud of him even when people criticise you. If you don’t mind, a great percentage of the problem is solved.
For your aunt, it’s good to respect and honour elders but can you ask her one question for me? What if you married this guy well and sound and a week after your wedding, he had an accident that affected his leg, would your aunt ask you to move out of your matrimonial home? Explain to her that the journey of marriage is far and deep as no one knows exactly how his/her spouse would turn out to be. Anything can happen to anyone, but we always hope for the best.
