Blending In Love (2)

The first part of this discuss took us through the ‘fun’ of having people come  together as couples from very different backgrounds but expected to blend, stay and  enjoy life in a union called marriage.

The experience of couples in this process differ and with permission, I will share  one sent to my mail box after last week’s publication.

It is nice to talk about this today as the couple has grown past this level, they  can now look back, laugh and make fun of their differences and I am particularly  proud of them for making the sacrifice to blend and make it work.

The wife wrote to me: “Ken, my husband and I, Emily, have been together for about 39  years now and when we look back at how we started, there’s always a big laugh and  beyond that, hope and positive lessons to pass to our children.

It’s good to note that Ken and I come from the same continent and country but are so  different in orientation, values and upbringing. Ken grew up in an average home in  our country, living in a big city with parents who could afford a good level of  comfort and security for their children. The parents could afford good education for  him and he graduated a medical doctor after years of training, got a job and enjoyed  his practice.

I wouldn’t say my parents were richer but I knew there’s this nagging desire to  study abroad and I got it at last. I came to England at a young age to study and got  a job after graduation which made me consider living abroad for some time.

During a summer holiday, I dashed home (my country) to spend some time with my  parents and this was how Ken and I met. Yes, nice guy, good looking, good  qualification, etc. He proposed and we got married. We agreed to settle in England  so Ken had to join me in my apartment (you know it’s not a big deal in the Western  world if the man decides to stay with the woman), but I tell you, it was tough for  Ken because he came with all the sentiments and ego of ‘manliness’ and the  traditional head syndrome drove him really mad.

Here was a guy who came from a developing country where electricity was either not  supplied for days or months and the bills remained same whether you consume power or  not, you paid the same bills. Now, he’s in England where we pay for every minute of  use. Can you imagine the war? My husband would want to sleep with the light bulbs on  and I insisted it was not proper. He wanted all the lights on at the same time so  the house could be bright and I told him we could only turn on what we needed.

Ken felt I was rude and unfair to him even when he was the one picking the bills.  There were times we would quarrel and insult one another, keeping malice and doing  funny things only children could but somehow, we’ll get on again.

We had other areas of disagreement as well but trust me, it was all part of growing  up. When his first contract with his office ended and he was out of job for a while,  nobody needed to teach him ways to be prudent, he became the chief accountant of the  home, asking me to justify every penny spent.”

Following the experience of Ken and Emily, we may think ‘oh, that was small,’ I tell  you, nothing is small when you are the one facing it, especially when your spouse  sees no sense in what you are saying, you really feel like ending it now.

Having said that, there are a few tips for you in the process of blending.

•Humility: I feel strongly that most marriages are suffering basically because of  pride. No reasonable person would call you a fool when you say “I’m sorry” to your  spouse. Depending on your culture, prostrating or kneeling to reconcile with your  loved one after a misunderstanding should not be a big deal. Being humble also  involves treating the members of your spouse’s family (in-laws) with respect. It is  painful to hear people despise in-laws, thinking they are from a better family  background or are now richer than they are. Please, note that accepting to marry  from a particular family means you are on the same level and should be treated as  same.

•Wisdom: It’s not everything you feel that should be expressed. Wisdom demands you  exercise some level of self control. You can’t just afford to complain about the  slightest discomfort especially when it has to do with accommodating other people in  your home.

•See problems as temporarily: Convincing yourself that whatever you are passing  through is just a phase of life makes it a lot easier to cope with adverse  situations than immersing in self pity.

•Attitude: People do often say that attitude is everything, it’s your attitude that  would determine how far you can go with your marriage. You’ll need to adjust  position and be ready for changes.

•Talk less: One thing I try not to do is talk too much about what I’m going through.  In a bid to get sympathy from people, you may end up with a negative advice that  would destroy your relationship for life. This does not include seeking counsel,  even in counselling, make sure you talk to the right person that can help you not  just anybody who cannot keep your matter safe.