5 Pillars Of Love (2)

Fear of failure is a familiar terrain to most people and one area of life you wouldn’t  want to fall victim is relationship. Are you afraid of failing or disappointing a loved  one? No need, just have a solid foundation or better still, strengthen your pillars and  life may soon be on its way to stability and firmness.

For our concluding part of last week’s discuss on pillars of marriage, we will be able to  consider three more points, this does not exhaust all there is to a good marriage, but we  can say it is an idea of what is expected in the success direction.

This, in other words, gives you an open ticket to add as many pillars as considered fit  for your relationship to soar. We then focus on:

•Tolerance: This is very much needed in life as “all things are not always equal.” Have  you thought about it that you do not ever have to tolerate good things? No, they are  always welcome, if not always expected. It is the bad that gives you this great  assignment of ‘tolerance’ and unfortunately, life is not complete without some  challenges, so you really need it. I know some people wouldn’t love to hear this part but  all the same, you need to know so you don’t make the mistake of others.

Tolerance is when the elasticity of your capacity is tested. Why do we need to tolerate  others? We are different people from diverse backgrounds. Love and attraction have done  their great home work of bringing you together and expect you to conclude the equation  using every available tool to stay in love. The bitter truth about the one you love is,  an adult is difficult to change forcefully.

You might be among the lucky few whose spouses are careful to adjust to required  lifestyle but if this not your experience, tolerate his/her weaknesses while you lovingly  express your expectations, hoping time will bring a change.

I have known Mish and Ken (not real names) for close to five years and according to Ken,  “I met Mish in a supermarket where I dropped in to pick sandwich and a drink for lunch.  Everyone seemed to be in so much hurry as if dashing to catch a train. There was this  young lady in brightly coloured yellow and blue attire who broke protocol and walked  right to stand in front of the queue, ignoring the fact there were other people waiting.  The thought that came to mind was the response of the babe she chanced but surprisingly,  the lady in question said nothing, it was the shop attendant and the other people who  took up the battle and sent the troublesome chap to the back of the queue where she was  due.

“I then walked up to the peaceful babe and initiated a conversation. Really, I was swept  by her quietness and composure and she won my heart from outset and this made it a lot  easier for me to conclude after a year she would be my wife.

“Things turned well and Mish and I are together till now.”

Settling down together was not so much fun for Ken as Mish didn’t meet his expectation in  home keeping. He tried a couple of times to point his wife to what she needed to do but  in her usual ‘no trouble attitude’ there was no remarkable change. When Ken complained to  me, I told him to show a good example by lending a helping hand where needed and tried  not to nag.

One day, Ken walked in from work and went straight to cleaning and arranging the house  before taking off his clothes or even agreeing to eat. This was the final straw that  broke the camel’s back as Mish was so embarrassed that she couldn’t look her husband in  the eye. She went to the room, grabbed a pen and wrote I will clean and arrange my house  everyday, posted it on her dressing mirror and started the good work right away.

Ken was overjoyed when he returned the following evening to meet a clean house. You see,  his tolerance paid off, yours will also, so give it a go.

•Friendship: Couples who are real friends find it a lot easy staying together. Getting  attracted to each other is cheap and anyone can do that but cultivating friendship  remains an all-time hard work.
There are obviously different kinds of friendship but one basic thing we all expect is  trust. You tend to be very much at home with a spouse who is more of a friend than a  co-tenant. A friend knows of your weaknesses but not use them to your detriment. This  automatically lets you share success and failures alike without thinking of being judged  or condemned.
A man whose female secretary was behaving funny towards him could not tell his wife  because he was not sure how she was going to respond. He thought he could manage the  situation alone but when the heat got so intense, he confided in a male friend who  advised him to take advantage of her vulnerability and that landed him in a big  trouble—the girl got pregnant and died in the process of abortion.
His career was greatly affected not to mention finance. What makes you a good friend is  the way you make others feel comfortable around you, even when they are wrong. I am not  saying you should celebrate wrong but make allowance for mistakes and deal with the  issues not the person.

•Good communication: The level of your communication reveals the depth of your  relationship. There is a parent in my children’s school whose daughter happens to be in  the same class with my second son. We never really greeted nor said much to each other  until the day we came across each other during an evening walk in our neighbourhood.  Definitely, we recognised we see at school but never knew we lived on the same street.
Next day at school, we talked and laughed as she told me about plans for the daughter’s  birthday and the frustration of choice of colours. Of course, my children were invited  and till now, we’re still together. The more you know your spouse, the easier it is to  talk or communicate positively.
Good to know about communication is the fact that it can be done in your choice, way, or  manner. This makes it a little different for everyone as every relationship is dynamic.  Your style of communication is not as important as the fact that the message is passed.  If animals can communicate and even notify each other of impending danger, how much more  would humans, especially when it comes to expressing emotion? Your spouse dreams to know  you better so talk, express your feelings and allow a chance to be understood.