Unhealthy Relationships

By Aidy Thomas

Having someone who cares for your emotional need does not only make you happy but scientists have said that healthy intimate relationships can elongate human life as well. As nice as it sounds, life can be terrible when relationships turn sour. Things you used to enjoy may disappear and people who used to be romantic may tend to be really hostile, thus making putting up together a burden.

In a situation where your relationship is a casual one that involves no vows (marriage), breaking up is easy but where there are stronger ties and long term/life time commitment is the foundation; you are better off thinking and finding solutions rather than chose to quit too soon.

There are quite a number of things which can make a relationship unhealthy; you could be a culprit and the other party can also be a key player. In most cases, lovers do not think of rocky relationship until they find themselves in very difficult situations that make sharing intimacy and bonding rather tough.

Signs of unhealthy relationships…..

•Preference: Without any intention of being selfish, every lover is fond of expecting their mates to treat them in a special way; different from how they treat others. Although this can sometimes be hard for family members who have raised and cared for you from birth to understand or give enough room for another person (your spouse) to occupy this important position in your life. But a spouse who loves and wants to protect you will do what is possible to place your need and interest before others. If responding to others at the expense of your need is a frequent occurrence, you should know that there is a problem with your relationship.

•Secret arrangements: Surprises are good but when things behind you always and without any intentions of letting you know about them, chances are that someone is thinking you are not very welcome in their world. It’s a nice thing to get to know friends and colleagues, extended family members and people that really matter to your loved ones. Asking you to stay back home each time there is an event that would bring many important personalities together is not only a sign that you are not appreciated, it also openly points that you are not good enough to be seen together.

Mike and Beauty met each other at a friend’s party and the chemistry between them became so strong that he could not help asking her to marry him within a very short time. Her family was a bit suspicious and would have preferred a longer time to be sure they were comfortable to commit to each other but the ‘love rush’ running down Beauty’s brain beat against every attempt at restraint. Soon after the marriage, she noticed he would rather keep her at home and go out alone; he was also doing her shopping. At first, she could not tell if it was a spill over effect of the honeymoon ‘spoiling’ that made her hubby want to keep her indoors always. Being a sensitive person, she noticed the neighbours looked at her each time she came out for a street view.

One Saturday morning, she took their dog for a walk and a lady who was also coming into the same park with her dogs whispered to Beauty “I hope he doesn’t strangle you like the other woman who used to bring this dog here”. She went ahead and told her things she never knew about Mike and putting bits together; she suspected that could be the reason he never wanted her to get close to anybody who could reveal that he was just released from jail. People who have loads to hide will either talk too much to cover up or too little not to give themselves up.

•Unnecessary Questions: being in a relationship that you have to explain every action taken, who you spoke to, called or had dealings can be a quite draining. In most cases where you are asked to explain and defend, suspicion is at the core of it- why can’t people just get that their spouses are adult and are entitled to the freedom of deciding what is good for them?

•Frequent criticism: A partner who thrives in bullying will always make you feel there is nothing really good about you or what you have to offer. Everything you do or suggest is put down with little or no consideration. How can a relationship be successful when one party claims to know it all?

•Taking responsibility: This has absolutely nothing to do with who makes more or less money- it is an attitude thing. Leaving all the thinking and action for one person is a way of saying ‘this whole idea is your thing’ and if they get the message and usurp full authority; there will be problems in the union.

•Poor communication: Whichever way this is comes, no one is totally happy to share information with people they are not sure of. A breakdown in communication is often one of the first signs that make folks suspect all is not well in their relationships. When lovers are closely knitted, they would want to tell each other almost everything and anything important, funny, sad or challenging to them but a pull away is a warning that an unhealthy gap has been created.

•Divided attention: if your spouse spends the whole time with friends on the phone and would hardly make you part of his schedule, it is simple to catch that you are treated as being absent from their live. It can be so embarrassing when your loved one is happy to chat and relate with people outside but act strange once back home with you.

•Lying: I still cannot understand why someone would want to lie that their spouse is the best thing that has ever happened to them. If you do not have anything to say about your relationship, it would be more honourable to keep quiet than try to portray a false image of what is not. The truth of the matter is that your friends and family can tell to a great extent when you are happy in a relationship; they pick up ambience of your body language and read into the way he/she treats you in public. No matter how much lies you tell, a bad relationship will always stink.

Help…..

The truth is that there is no relationship anywhere that is perfect. Running out in search of greener pasture only presents you as an unstable person- you can change partners every year and still end up being so unfulfilled; happiness is not a gift from man, it is a decision you take for yourself and consciously work toward it.

Having a good relationship is more of a process than a destination- there are a lot of pieces to put together. A mature fellow would remain calm and think of ways to make his/her relationship better instead of looking for where to run to. A little bit of sacrifice, understanding, humility and accommodation can make a huge difference for a struggling couple.