30th November, 2012
The family unit is one of the most influential associations anyone can ever imagine. Socialisation through family is a priceless experience which if lost or not properly managed has the capacity to ruin the entire life of an individual.
Simply put, the family is the first teacher, mentor, psychologist, counsellor, doctor, etc of any happy soul occupying the surface of this earth today.
This is to say that the presence or absence of proper family background has a significant impact on people’s belief system, failure, success, level of self confidence and general attitude to life issues.
Apart from the fact that some traits can be inherited, the culture of the family you were born into is what conditions your life to a very great extent. This explains why some folks are so used to doing things a certain way.
A mother of three teenage children was once asked why she prepares a special meal for her family every Sunday afternoon and her husband was shocked to hear it was done the same in her parents’ home.
Unfortunately, she did not figure out that her mum made Sunday a special day because it was the only day in a whole week she would not go to work; it was like a compensation meal for the family she rarely spent time with.
Her daughter on the other hand, is a full time home maker who spends all her time with the children. For her, special Sunday meal was not a necessity but a matter of transfer of culture since this was what she grew to embrace: practicing it in her own home became natural. Does this ring a bell in someone’s head?
Observing a family before you decide to marry its member may turn out for your own good. There is no need to be petty: there would always be differences in people but if there are obvious things you detest in a family, marrying someone from there may translate to a direct importation of what you don’t like.
Some folks say it in a witty way: “if you are wondering what your wife will look like in the future, check out her mum- she’s a younger version of that old woman staring at you”. Then I ask; what if she looks like her dad? Anyway, this is just to tell you that a photocopy is simply a reproduction of the original- though sometimes worse.
Going all that long way was an attempt to establish the fact that family is a strong bond with remarkable influence. One way to assess the weight of family ties is our desire to please family members. Again, growing up with a certain group of people from the cradle puts you in a position to fashion your life to please, tease or challenge them depending on who they have been to you over the past years.
We have heard cases where a child would do anything practicable to make extra money just to compensate for the years his/her parents lived in penury but determined to give them the best; in education, food, clothes or general comfort.
I had a roommate during my first degree in the university who was admitted to study accounting: she did not hide the fact that being an accountant was her father’s dream so she could take over the management of his accounting firm in future. She promised to graduate and hand her father the certificate then proceed to study law which has always been her desire. Then you ask yourself if it is wrong to guide your child to be what you think will benefit them?
Well, for the purpose this article; let’s limit the discus to the impact of family on relationships. ……
•Why do families demand so much of their relatives once they are at that point of choosing a life’s partner.
•Why do mothers want to detect how to care for their sons to the wife
•Where did people get the definition of a good husband/wife?
•How did money and material things come in as a yardstick in marriage?
•If a certain level of education is good for you why do you want to make that the standard for the whole universe?
•Since when did man become a manufacturer of children? If children have not come yet, should this mean the relationship is worthless?
•Some people will always be richer than others; why do you want to sell your child to some rich bloke who has no idea of what marital love is?
I’ll sincerely love to handle each of these points separately but for a start, let’s address the predicament of those facing ridicule from within for the single fact that they are still unmarried at a certain age.
Parents, siblings and relations generally have been found guilty of putting their loved ones under unnecessary pressure to get married as their contemporaries. I know it’s nice if certain things are done early in life but when it comes to marriage, should one rush in to rush out? What if the one that pleases you is yet to show up; should you follow Mr/Miss available just to please the people? When it boomerangs, who do they blame? You – no one remembers they were pushing you to go in.
People have been forced to break relationships which had promising future just because their greedy parents or family members did not see immediate gain in that choice. So many family members are guilty of this; they are more concerned about what to gain from potential in-laws than the quality of love and life awaiting the union.
What a shame to hear a young girl confess she does not love a guy but is busy preparing for the wedding? When she gets what she wanted and walks out on the relationship would you be able to bring them back? –Poor counsellors; sometimes we waste time trying to revive what never existed- LOVE.
To all who have singles around them; one of the best things you can offer them is to provide a safe family for them to live in not minding when the dream to be married will come true. So many people got married to wrong partners because they wanted to escape from hostile family members or prove to the world they were not that bad after all.
Getting married early does not prove any point so stop pushing yourself to impress people who will not be there when you are facing the heat.
It’s not a crime to be single- make the best out of every opportunity; single or married.
……..to be continued.