19th October, 2012
It’s easy to think people should know what is good for them and follow it closely to achieve happiness but does it always work that way? No, we all need some kind of subtle reminders here and there to hang in firm.
They do not necessarily have to be novel ideas but presenting it in simple clear manner could encourage someone to give a try. “who knows; it might also work for me”.
Experience has taught us that sometimes people do not know as much as we thought and a problem of many years could varnish by exploring simple things.
Giving ‘communication’ the attention it deserves during the last publication brought so much response from folks who thought communication was fine at talking and hearing others talk. Some responded to have realised that communication involves a lot more than just verbal expressions. This brings to mind one of my favourite sayings “meaning is derived by what is said, how it is said and what is left unsaid”. This implies therefore that people communicate even in their silence; it’s left for you to determine what message you want your silence to convey —love or hate? Express it clearly.
Accommodation: Trying to change people is one of the most exhausting and frustrating ventures ever attempted. Do you imagine what he/she has been doing since birth and you think one month of relationship can wipe it completely out? You must be joking. Putting unnecessary pressure can only make them fool you that they have changed but time will soon reveal it was all a gimmick.
Sincerely speaking, I’m yet to find a relationship where everything is perfect and both parties are completely satisfied with what they have —they always wish things were a little or much different from what obtains now. This should not make you to shoot yourself for making ‘the wrong choice’ as you call it. I don’t think anyone is clearly a ‘wrong choice’ if they appealed so much to you to the point of wanting to share your life with them. It’s more of how you see things; your glass can be half full or half empty, which one do you choose? Life is a matter of attitude and attitude goes a long way to determine your happiness.
Accommodating others means you are aware of the differences in human nature. The more you see others as being a problem wondering what kind of a difficult creature you are.
Several years ago, I had a new staff working with me and insisted things be done strictly my way –which I thought was the best; but one day I unexpectedly caught up with an expression of frustration on her face and felt sorry for her. I called her to a meeting and declared she could do what she knew provided we got the same result. She heaved a sigh of relief, went ahead and did an excellent job. I have learnt to let people be especially when they are just trying to get used to me or a new system, and relationships cannot be different. It takes time to adjust and get things right, although some people are faster and more flexible than others; whatever you get, make enough room for improvement and be gentle with the learning process.
Giving: I have seen people who are very wealthy celebrating gifts they may never get to use in their lifetime. Is it every gift you recieve that is useful? No, but you appreciate the fact that it came from someone. Sometimes, when people who do not have as much give you from their little, it can really be touching —it means you are precious to them. Real givers don’t wait until it’s a mighty parcel; they understand that little thoughtful gifts can really warm the heart. When you receive gifts it says: “You are in his/her thought” and what more do people in relationships desire? “Thinking of you” has always been a big spin for lovers. It’s fabulous to know you are in someone’s thought.
Have a personal love plan: I’m sure drawing your own unique plan of getting on with the one you love will not in any way be regarded as ‘asking for too much’. Make out time to think about things you can do and really enjoy together. The more you spend time together the better you’ll know each other —including your weaknesses so be ready to help and support each other where necessary. If you took your spouse out for lunch in a five-star setting and notice he/she did not know where to place the napkin before begining to eat or which hand to hold the fork/knife, you don’t need to bounce off in disappointment and abandon the meal. Instead, you can jokingly tell them to watch you; this way, it’ll be a lot more fun hanging out with you.
Fulfil dreams: Everyone comes into a relationship with childhood or teenage dreams of how their family would be; number of children to have, type of houses, cars, career, looks, etc. It takes great grace to hold together the union when expectations are not met. Disappointment could set in and some take to the easy route of divorce. Guys expect to have great sex partners while women dream of gentle romance that will be out of this world. Having problems with your spouse in the bedroom could be the most frustrating. To start with, it’s not something most people can freely talk about or seek counsel, and it is also not something you can make up for outside the marriage without breaking vows. Do you know that it is easy, safe and acceptable for you to drive into a restaurant of your choice and enjoy a good meal, but sex and intimacy cannot pass this quick fix? People frown at cheating and the society would generally see you as being irresponsible.
For you to be sure of what your spouse’s expectations are, you need to talk and ask sincere questions and answer them sincerely so the direction is made clear to all.
Others include being ready to learn, show respect, express trust, compromise, love the people around him/her and showing commitment no matter what life throws at you guys; stand by each other and refuse to consider an alternative.