31st August, 2012
Building a relationship to a point where you can boldly talk of understanding each other is not a day’s deal. Loads of investment is required from both parties: the more you nurture, the faster it grows with outstanding results.
Unfortunately, some folks are not able to pass through the initial challenges of getting to know each other or trying to fit into their lifestyle. The structure of our modern society is completely different from our parents’ and come with peculiar demands as well. The only way forward for a successful relationship is compromise.
I met a young man recently with a busy job; he’s at work from 7.00am till 6.00pm and switches to private practice till about 1.00am. When I asked how his wife copes with this kind of crazy schedule, he pointed to the fact that they had to reach an agreement to share the days. Three days in a week he works really late or almost not sighted at home at all while the remaining days he meets with his family for early dinner together.
Before he took time to explain this to me, I sincerely felt sorry for his family but after his explanations, it was clear they worked hard to discover how to live happily together. You can as well guess that the process of getting to this decision was not an easy one; his wife was constantly frustrated and wounded. She felt he did not love her much as to find time to be with her. They had even got to a point of contemplating separation; thinking they were not meant for each other.
That reminds me, why do some couples think parting ways is the easiest option to marital differences? I just learnt an interesting proverb that says, “he that fights and runs away stands to repeat the same fight another day”. Another one says, “a brave man dies but once”. Whether you like it or not, any relationship you desire will definitely have its own challenges. If you keep trying to run off to another; thinking it would be better there, think twice because you lie to yourself.
Another set of couples are trapped in routine love. They want to do things the way they have always known since time of birth. Adding a little finesse to your relationship will go a very long way to make your spouse feels special and cared for. Let go of some old and non-profitable styles, while you hold tight to nice ones and introduce dynamic angles that suit you.
I’ve heard a man say, “I know the right way to relate with her but I just would not want to do it”. Another said: “I don’t tell my wife how beautiful she is because I do not want her head to engorge”. A woman also giggled while saying, “I don’t ever allow my husband to suspect how much sexual feelings I have for him; I don’t want him to think I’m spoilt”.
Some people are busy playing innocent or ignorant while their relationship is decaying right under their nose. If you don’t tell her she’s beautiful; her colleague will say so as soon as she gets to work. You refuse to tell him how much you adore him; his secretary/PA is ever ready to replace you. Do you ignore her new hair do or his clean shave? Wait for roaming eyes on the street to feast on what you couldn’t acknowledge.
Most times people don’t appreciate what they have until it is taken from them. When you ignore your spouse; leave them in the cold, how would you feel when someone else is warming their heart with lovely remarks? Yes, you left that gap but I don’t encourage anyone to go looking for quickies when their relationships have problems.
Patience is the key word in working things out in relationships. A lot of spouses have gone through trial and error- sometimes it works, at other times it bites. But a person of focus should not be easily discouraged. It is patience that would sustain you when what you intended for good turns out or is perceived as evil or is not appreciated at all. Having a positive attitude and hoping for the best has a way of keeping you strong to the end.
Following what works in your relationship begins at the point of being ready to make it work.
People can be as difficult as they wish with one person yet fall flat for another, why? They have simply chosen to. Choosing to be friends with your spouse no matter what happens is on its own a way of fighting from the winning angle/position. As you know, you cannot totally understand a person but an open heart is a lot easier to flow with.
Things To Note: Say what you want and set your family standard together: don’t import the total picture of your parents’ or friends’ marriage- what worked for them might not work for you, create your own fun.
•Relationship is a journey; be ready to cover it in bits. Sometimes the process might be slow but time and patience will surely vindicate you.
• Both parties should know they are in it together. The responsibility of building a good home should not rest solely on one person it can really be exasperating.
•We have heard someone say that “it is only a mad man who does the same thing but expects different results”. If what you have been doing is not working well why do you keep doing it? Why is it so difficult for some people to make a small adjustment? If your spouse complains of something he/she does not like, why don’t you try and change?
It is difficult to get the best from someone who is not happy with you. A little shift in the right direction will not kill anyone- don’t allow pride to rob you of a loving relationship; seek to please your spouse, take time to discover what will light up his/her day and do it all for love.