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Treat Her As A Partner  print

Published on October 14, 2011 by   ·   33 Comments

Amara

Africa is one continent where it is believed a woman should be seen and not heard. Women are seen by a good number of men as just existing to complement a man. A good number of men treat their wives as just a woman who should be seen only, not heard.

I once threw a question on my Facebook wall due to a comment a man made after reading my article. This ignorant man (so I called him) said a woman is not important as a man and any woman who has just female children shouldn’t be seen as a woman with children. This is one of the most painful comments I have received from my readers. I couldn’t help thinking about the wife of this man; what will she be going through in the hands of this wicked man? What kind of treatment will his female children be receiving from him?

The problem is that a lot of African men get married for the wrong reasons. The moment a man is approaching 30; pressure comes from his mother asking for a grandchild. Even when the man is not ready for marriage, he is made to feel miserable without a child as his mates are all getting close to being grandfathers.

The man then looks around for any available woman who will pass his test. What are those tests, you may ask? A man wants to be sure she can still have children; he wants to know how beautiful she is and how well she can take care of his house and cooking. These things are good, but should never be the reason for marriage.

The number one reason for marriage is companionship. It is very wrong to have men and the society see women as just baby making factories. This is why many married couples don’t know what honeymoon is. Honeymoon is actually a time to get bonded with your spouse and plan ahead for the new family. Ideally, honeymoon should last for a period of one year, but this is not so in Africa.

Left for me, I would advise couples to avoid anything like pregnancy before one year of marriage. This, if done, will make the man to see the wife as what she really is to him — a companion and partner. There is this unusual bonding it brings into the home and a special kind of friendship is also seen if the couple really understand the reason for honeymoon. Parents should be reminded that we are not married just for us to make babies.

It is sad how some men don’t even make their wives to have a feel of being married newly. I once attended a wedding where the woman was being shouted on by the man inside the wedding hall. This is why I always tell ladies to take their time to check the background of the man they want to marry. It is like the culture for the man’s family to carry out very extensive investigation of the woman’s background while the woman’s family just fold their hands and wait for them to finish their investigation. The girl’s family should please start doing their own investigations, not just on the family, but the life of the man in question.

I don’t know who you are as you read this article today, but I believe that the grace and power to change has been made available to you by God. Many people have their wives relate with them as their house helps. In fact, a good number of men place more value on their children than their wives. Sir, if you are guilty of this act, please make a u-turn for the better.

I remember always going into my office to weep whenever it’s time to go home. I always missed my children and wanted to be with them at all times, but I was filled with fear of the unknown in a house I called mine. The obsession was so bad that if I had a client sitting in front of me during consultation, I must run out with my phone whenever I saw his call. I knew this is something against the ethics of my practice, but I couldn’t help not picking the calls because that would mean a night in front of the gate.

My clients sometimes got offended by my actions, I knew it, but I was helpless. I remember losing so many male clients just because I was more of a slave to someone I called a husband. A male client had to open up to tell me why they stopped coming and that was the day I knew people were aware of my pain.

I know a lot of African men are still guilty of this very act. A pastor’s wife called me after reading one of my articles and told me how much of a slave she is in her marriage. This is a pastor who goes on the pulpit to preach to people, but he can’t even keep his home. Another lady whose husband works in one of the top oil companies told me how bitter her life has been since marriage. This very man rendered her useless, a lady who has both first and second university degrees. The man has a car, but doesn’t want to give her a car. This woman has to beg him for everything including money to buy her sanitary towel. According to her, the husband does every shopping for the house on his way from work and yet this same man won’t stop professing love to her.

It is time Nigerian men released their women to fulfil their purpose in life and become what God created them to be. It is time you stopped making her your maid and start seeing her as your wife. It is time you stopped hitting her from the back when it is time for sex; she is a human being like you with emotions.

Stop that your style of being nice to your woman when you are alone with her only to be very nasty with her once your relations and friends are around. Any relation or friend that encourages you to be that nasty to your wife is an enemy of your soul. You do that because you want them to know you are the man of the house, they may appear to be happy with you, but the truth is that they talk negatively about you.

I know some of you grew up in a home where you saw your mother maltreat your father and turn him to a slave right before your eyes. A friend told me what his son said to him the day he asked to see his girlfriend. The boy told his dad that he had dumped the girl the week before. He told the dad that he is not ready to take, from any girl, the rubbish he takes from his mum.

The truth is that you may not even be aware you are being affected by what you saw your father go through in the hand of your mum, but it is there draining your relationship of every sweetness and fulfilment. Please deal with that unconscious fear and pain, stop allowing the innocent girl you married go through pain for what she knows nothing about. Stop talking to your wife as a slave, stop treating her like a sex hawker.

Get her involved in your business and all that concerns you. It is wrong to use your brother as your next of kin or as a director in your business when your wife is the right person to protect the interest of your children in case of any eventuality. Don’t just jump into things after talking to friends without first listening to and then concluding with her. She is your partner; treat her as one.

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Posted by on October 14, 2011, 12:07 pm. Filed under Columns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

33 Comments for “Treat Her As A Partner”

  1. Hassan

    Interesting story and touching one indeed

  2. Opeyemi

    A good moral 2 al men in Africa

  3. bukola

    I PERSONALLY LIKE TODAY’S ARTICLE, I REALLY WNT TO SAY D GUD LORD WIL CONTINUE TO USE U D MORE FOR WISDOM, KNOWLEDGE N UNDERSTANDING !!!!! I THINK TODAYS ARTICLE IS REALLY NICE MAY GOD TOUCH THEIR HEART N MKE THEM HEAR…….GUD JOB WEL DONE

  4. anayo

    No man want her wife to be a slave at all,your are a woman if a woman have excess free 99% of them will mises use it.so as a man you will not fold your arms watching your wife to go astray in the name of your do not want to hurt her.by the way their is no perfect marriage in life even your that is writing the story.i am not saying that a woman should be a salve,but so many women have turn their man to be slave and no comment from anyboby b/cos it is women,pls i am advicing women stop using your husband as slave,in area of sex so many women today dicates the day the husband will have them what are we saying pls do not say we men is cheating it is lies woman are living satan any day a man agree to live with satan he should go ahead and marry.

  5. popyson

    in ur pregnancy avoidance statement,is it one year before or after marriage

  6. Lady Amara! It’s true that 95% of men in our society got married due to one reason or the other, which if thoroughly observed it will be discovered that true love is not there at all. That is why now are days we hear lot of funny stories about marriage and married people,it only takes the grace of Almighty God to have a perfect relationship with true love in a marriage. The article should not centre on men only but also on the women.There are hundreds of women out there who don’t care about their husbands,they treat them any how,they go about play pranks on their husbands when in the offices for those who work and when on business trip for those into business just because there is no true love.From my own perception the two should both see themselves as lovers who love each other with no deception so that the treatment shall be normal and equally shared with unconditional love.May God increase your wisdom to write more Lady Amara.

  7. ak

    Nice one Anayo.I notice the problem is with modern day women.Thats we have many failed marriages.The moment u give any lady any small opportunity she will misuse it.If you pamper they will say u are weak.If u are strict,you are wicked.
    Its jst God’s wisdom that am using in my relatiosnhip

  8. boyce

    Ak, the last line of your comment is the key that every man needs, to handle the extremely sensitive and highly delicate creature called woman.

  9. AMARA, IT WILL BE NICE TO KNOW OTHER REASONS WHY WOMEN MARRY IF NOT FOR MONEY.

    • dan omoh

      HACKER u have spoken well. Despite i appreciate amara, but does she not know that women are not true to love but only marry based on financial comfort. Most girls now only marry to have someone meet their needs and not cause they love the man. Let s be real. todays woman is simply a glorified prostitute that derives pleasure in the things of this world. with a few exceptions of 1% which are virteous women. Talking about women rights, i see amara using this medium to place women ina position of being arrogant and rude to their men counterpart, for obvious reason best known to God he made man the head of the structure called life and not the woman. It is to my opinion that the women should be made to understand the irreplacible position of submission they MUST show to men, cause that is their place as enshrined by God. If amara would not begin to help women know the truth that would set them free, then let the sins of every woman that would rebel against her husband be upon her…… I wish her and her numerous wordly loving women that never get married or end up being divorced LUCK..

  10. Emeniñe

    God didnt creat women for men to maltreat.instead as companion to man’s life.some of the women makes their man go wild,while some men are just greedy and selfish.have seen a poor lazy man who never believe in him self until he meet his miss right who later change his life with the word of couragement only.while will the man now treat her like rag?impossible.

  11. Lajand

    As always Amara, great job. I’ve learned one or two things here. But can you elaborate on this item: “It is time you stopped hitting her from the back when it is time for sex; she is a human being like you with emotions.” Were you talking about backshot here. :-) Please clarify. :-)

    • Ebun

      May God in his infinite mercy guide all of us to be sucessful in our mariages, Amen. The summary of marriage problem is not to be guided by the biblical rules of marriager. Wife be submissive to your husband, husband love your wife. There is no perfect marriage, even if we marry under pressure that makes us not to have considered what should have been considered, if we marry for God, we would have made it work. All of us should treat ourselves as partners. Let us pray to marry who fear God.

  12. Micheal

    Marriage they say it’s d union btw man n woman… But d union becomes disunion wen d two soul involved seems nt to understand themselves anymore.according to ur article woman should be seen as our companion, but honetly speaking some women deserve to be treated like maid.

  13. Amy

    I’m always impressed each time i read ur write-ups. I’ve been in an abusive relationship for the past 3 yrs with 2 children. I’m treated no better than a slave although i work. He beats me at will. The last one he did was exactly 2 wks ago today. He battered my head so much dat the doctor dat attended to me at d military hosp, awolowo rd had to recommend a CT scan 4 me. By d time i got back 2 d house, he had changed d lock and chased d children and i away. I wld appreciate it if i can get d name and address of ds agencies on Women Right were i can lodge my complaint against him since his family and he himself are not feeling any remose,

    • John

      Amy, its unfortunate. pls search Amara Blessing on FB. She too can help. or send her SMS on 8033832503. I will advice Men to read T.D Jakes speaks to Men.

  14. Debaggio

    All you wrote could be true but these days,ladies are not just it.At times i tend to disagree with certain things you put up here.If honeymoon should be for one year,from whose account would the money come from and after that what happens next?This bonding you are talking about sound quite out of this world.The woman you are going to bond with will still be the same woman that will start misbehaving when you will be facing hard times.Bringing in your partner into things you are involved in is good but it depends on the kind of partner you have…Some ladies are so much involved with gangsters and could even arrange for your own kidnap when they get the slightest opportunity.Some women are terrible and i know a family where the children only take instructions from the mother only…I was making plans to settle down with one of the girls but the mother chooses the kind of man that would be the future in-law to be.Give them that free hand and you will regret the very day you married her.Remember we are humans and what made us who we are is just the things that happened to us in the past.Now,girls are just the ones now talking the guys into marriages and i hope you have really noticed that too.I rest my case!Make i go drink beer!!!!

  15. Agbe Philip

    Ephesians 5:22 says that women should be submissive to their husbands & vs 25 said that husbands should love their wives as Christ love his church. Both of them have their part to play. Christ’s love to the church is unconditional. So it doesn’t matter what a woman does, man’s responsibility is to love and cherish her as christ is doing to us now. If your love is only when somebody is obedient to you, then you are not different from an infidel- Matt 5:46-48.

  16. Patriotic Nigerian

    Amara! Amara!! Amara!!! Hehehehehe, how many times did I call you? Take your time ooo about some of the things you wrote here. I admire your articles about how “locally made and adapted” they appear. But it seems you sounded more Western than the champion of our cultural heritage I see in you. I agree with you that our men should see their wives as partners. And shower them with love and affection. In so doing, let it be known at the back of our mind that there can’t be two captains on the same boat for this has rocked most marriages in the western world. I agree with some of the things you have in this article but this thing about honeymoon, bonding, and one year waiting game for a baby is way too “oyiboish” and unacceptable to me. If we need to wait one year without giving birth honeymooning, what is the relevance of COURTSHIP then? If couples cannot bond enough (don’t get me wrong, I hate premarital sex and not what I mean here) during courtship, then the opportunity is missed. In the western world where honeymoon (that you are advocating we copy) is the norm, kindly tell us the percentage of successful marriages. Can you please google marriage in the western world and find out the rate of divorce and men killing their wives and vice versa, then let’s know how efficacious your honeymoon is before we buy it. I see a lot of our young couples in Nigeria do honeymoon, not because they know what it’s all about but to show off that they “belong” among the high class too. I never had a honeymoon after my wedding because my wife and I utilized our courtship to “bond” without distracting ourselves with premarital sex. After our wedding, my wife was the one who said that going anywhere for honeymoon was a waste of resources rather we should just relax ourselves in our home. I bet you our marriage today is NEW EVERY MORNING because we made God the bedrock of our marriage and not any of these so-called oyibo trivial practices that has no relevance in solidifying marriage. My wife is the best thing that has happened in my life and I thank God for her. Please, I would suggest you don’t advice your clients about not having babies within the first year of marriage, for it is the dream and joy of every couple in this part of the world. You can tell that to oyibo people who see children as inconveniences and will not want to have babies, even in marriage but would rather prefer cats & dogs. The blame sometimes for what happens to our women today could be laid at the door steps of our so-called “today’s societal happening, celebrity ladies” for what they get in marriage. How do you explain a situation whereby a girl after getting a good education and paying job seeks to marry no other than a guy who “belongs” and has “money”? How do you explain what happens to most of our over-celebrated Nollywood ladies in marriages that never lasts longer? Why do they go to any length, despite their perceived “successes” to marry “overseas” guys, even when those guys are married and, possibly, divorced as against marrying our men who are based in Nigeria? When I wanted to marry, a girl I was trying everything to marry refused just because I didn’t have a car despite being a MSc holder in engineering, and a paying job. A popular Igbo adage says, “Ihe onye choro ka o fu,” meaning whatever one wants that s/he will get! Our young women of today should have a re-think about their priorities about marriage for most of them are living in the world of fantasies courtesy of some of the junk magazines about relationships they surround themselves with.

    • Hilary

      A very nice response to some of d issues Amara raised in this article. I also agree that our very dear Amara bent towards western life style in her one year before child bearing and long honeymoon proposition. But I want us all to join our voices with that of Amara to call on men to treat their wives with more respect and care.

  17. Endy

    Marriage is a thing of joy, im happy with my marriage, i always pray God to grant me the spirit of humility, i love my husband, when a woman submit to her husband the husband will in return honour the wife, i realise most time that i talk to him rudely without recognising his position, my earnest prayer is for God to bridle my tongue. I will advised all ladies married and about to not to see money as the breath of marriage, as i write i support my husband finiancially, he knows my everything, you said honey moon should last for one year before childbearing is introduced, i did not spent that long mine lasted for 48 hours i tell you we moving well nov 13 is going to be our first marriage anniversary n a proud mother, we share the domest chores . All i pray for is submissiveness. Nice article keep it up.

  18. Nigerian Patriot

    Amara! Amara!! Amara!!! Hehehehehe, how many times did I call you? Take your time ooo about some of the things you wrote here. I admire your articles about how “locally made and adapted” they appear. But it seems you sounded more Western than the champion of our cultural heritage I see in you. I agree with you that our men should see their wives as partners. And shower them with love and affection. In so doing, let it be known at the back of our mind that there can’t be two captains on the same boat for this has rocked most marriages in the western world. I agree with some of the things you have in this article but this thing about honeymoon, bonding, and one year waiting game for a baby is way too “oyiboish” and unacceptable to me. If we need to wait one year without giving birth honeymooning, what is the relevance of COURTSHIP then? If couples cannot bond enough (don’t get me wrong, I hate premarital sex and not what I mean here) during courtship, then the opportunity is missed. In the western world where honeymoon (that you are advocating we copy) is the norm, kindly tell us the percentage of successful marriages. Can you please google marriage in the western world and find out the rate of divorce and men killing their wives and vice versa, then let’s know how efficacious your honeymoon is before we buy it. I see a lot of our young couples in Nigeria do honeymoon, not because they know what it’s all about but to show off that they “belong” among the high class too. I never had a honeymoon after my wedding because my wife and I utilized our courtship to “bond” without distracting ourselves with premarital sex. After our wedding, my wife was the one who said that going anywhere for honeymoon was a waste of resources rather we should just relax ourselves in our home. I bet you our marriage today is NEW EVERY MORNING because we made God the bedrock of our marriage and not any of these so-called oyibo trivial practices that has no relevance in solidifying marriage. My wife is the best thing that has happened in my life and I thank God for her. Please, I would suggest you don’t advice your clients about not having babies within the first year of marriage, for it is the dream and joy of every couple in this part of the world. You can tell that to oyibo people who see children as inconveniences and will not want to have babies, even in marriage but would rather prefer cats & dogs. The blame sometimes for what happens to our women today could be laid at the door steps of our so-called “today’s societal happening, celebrity ladies” for what they get in marriage. How do you explain a situation whereby a girl after getting a good education and paying job seeks to marry no other than a guy who “belongs” and has “money”? How do you explain what happens to most of our over-celebrated Nollywood ladies in marriages that never lasts longer? Why do they go to any length, despite their perceived “successes” to marry “overseas” guys, even when those guys are married and, possibly, divorced as against marrying our men who are based in Nigeria? When I wanted to marry, a girl I was trying everything to marry refused just because I didn’t have a car despite being a MSc holder in engineering, and a paying job. A popular Igbo adage says, “Ihe onye choro ka o fu,” meaning whatever one wants that s/he will get! Our young women of today should have a re-think about their priorities about marriage for most of them are living in the world of fantasies courtesy of some of the junk magazines about relationships they surround themselves with.

  19. OMERIHE

    Amara thanks for the article and thanks to all those that have commented. The truth is that the modern woman is getting it all wrong. The only way she would be happy is if she tells her man to sit and he sits if she says stand the man stands outside this forget it.If you don’t do what she says that means you don’t love her a enough.Pls educate poeple more on domestic violence and encourage women to leave such unions outside this every other thing you’ve said is based on the relationship between the couple.

  20. @ Agbe Philip If your love is only when somebody is obedient to you, then you are not different from an infidel- Matt 5:46-48.
    True talk.
    Also very important; Wife be submissive to your husband. So many women are rude and done have any single respect for their husband and that why a lot of marriages crush. Am also a woman, I beg every wife to pls be submissive, pray and apply wisdom in everything and you will never regret it. Do be to quick in your actions so that you don’t make mistake that will cause you pain.
    Our men should know that their own task is even more than that of the woman, bible said husband love your wife as christ love the church. If men will always put this at the back of their minds, a lot of marriages will be new every morning as someone said.
    I pity you girls that are only after money, you will get what you want at the end.
    May God help us.

    • dan omoh

      WHY DID HER OWN MARRIAGE NOT LAST AND TODAY SHE IS A DIVORCEE. SHE EVEN NOW USES THIS MEDIUM TO CAST ASPERSIONS ON HER EX HUSBAND. ITS SIMPLE, ALL SHE WRITED HERE SHE PRACTISED AND SEE WHERE IT LANDED HER…..DIVORCED AND ALONE. I ADVICE ALL CHRISTIAN WOMEN TO IGNORE THIS CONFUSED LADY AND STICK TO RESPECT AND SUBMISSION TO THEIR HUSBAND SO THEIR MARRIAGES CAN LAST FOREVER. CAUSE IN THE NXT 30 YRS, AMARA WOULD WISH SHE HAD ACTED WITH SUBMISSION AND NOT LOST HER MARRIAGE. CAUSE AT THAT TIME, SHE WILL BE ALONE AND SAD WITH A DOG OR A CAT TO KEEP HER WARM.

      • IFY

        DAN OMOH U are nothing but an animal that she is a divorcee does mean that she she is not submisive to her husband. I hope u are not one of the men that maltreated their wives?

  21. ben

    good article but most women are dangerous.A girl i met at youth service had a 15yr old boy and never told me not until she got pregnant for me…i am very confused and I just cant go on with her….God help us.

  22. Princess

    Interesting

  23. Ayo

    Nice,factual article!..Was just discussing this on my facebook profile hours ago, suggesting that we have to re-evaluate how we trat our women vis-a.vis the “traditional” roles imposed of them..We need to show more respect towards each other…Tnank you Amara-you are jewel

  24. Amaei

    Amara u ve done a great job here and i must add that love from the man and submissiveness from the woman,then understanding and patience are very vital 4 marriage 2 succeed.Because it a journey of life everybody may not have it the same way.Honeymoon or Not wot 2 of u agree is very important.thanx

  25. Tony from Canada

    Lady Amara,
    There is this message that i would love the members of this forum to listen to by Dr.D.K.Olukoya “When you Marriage needs Deliverance” if have anybody that can help you get the CD’s you need to listen to it and pray the prayers.Why is it that Marriages a breaking down in a fast rate? Why do we have more widows than widowers? Why do we have increase in people Practising prostitution and some people are planing to legalize it?Why is it that the number of ladies that are not married are more than the one that are married ,even the one that are married are even patching it or planning for a divorce? Why is it that in Church Programmes you find more women than men? Why is that the population of women are more than the men?
    Look treating issues of Relationship and marriage is deeper than the way a lot of look at it. To me its more spiritual and you cannot detect a demon with the use of microscope ALOT OF US NEEDS TO PRAY HARD and go for a Deliverance including the Writer (Amara) without that we will continue to say it and there will be no solution………..The DEVIL has pulled down a lot Wonderful of homes,shattered their dreams and we must not give him a chance

  26. Nat

    Amara, you had done some good piece in the past. But I am beginning to wonder if you actually wrote this or if it was given to you by one disrespectful housewife.
    As for Nigerian Patriot, you should have been the one to write this article. Your research and wonderful reply to this article by Amara is loaded and I am sure, Amara, a counsellor, must have must have realised that she left out a lot (though some of us men are funny). Though challenges abound in marriages, but I am by this reply begging you Amara not to advise your intending clients (girls) along this your reasoning, because what they will get will be worse than what you are complaining of in this article.This issue is very sensitive and is a key to any successful marriage. Some of the intending or newly married girls adopt the make-believes in the Nigeria home movies or practice some of the “yeye” WESTERN cultures in our AFRICA. At the end, what they get for disobeying their husbands and polluting the cultural heritage is what you Amara feel some men do. No reasonable man would wake up and start misbehaving.Some of the women once they start getting money, they feel they are on top and begin to abandon their domestic responsibilities (including that thing).Let me not talk much because I am aligning my reasoning with those with objective assessments on this issue. MAY THE ALMIGHTY GIVE US THE WISDOM TO OVERCOME TEMPTATIONS that will give impression that men are wicked.

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