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Daughter-In-Law Versus Mother-In-Law  print

Published on September 27, 2011 by   ·   48 Comments

Amara

I believe the story of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not new to anyone in our society. I can’t say what this relationship is like outside Nigeria, but I am going to write from the Nigerian perspective.

We all know that it is always difficult for two women to dwell together and live under the same roof in unity. It doesn’t matter how closely related they are, the truth is that even twins are not left out. I don’t know why this is happening and I don’t know when it is going to end, but as the male folks always say, women are their own worst enemies.

This battle among women gets hotter when a man decides to bring another woman home to become his flesh and body. A man is first his mother’s son and as it is said, no matter your age, you remain a child to your mother. Some mothers find it difficult to accept the fact that their son or daughter has grown and should be allowed some independence.

I have taken time to critically look at this issue because of the problems women are having in their relationships? Why is it that our men don’t have this same issue with their mothers-in-law? I have also wondered why fathers-in-law don’t always have issues with either the son or daughter -in-law. Isn’t this the same case of women being their own enemies? I had this as a post on my Facebook wall sometime ago and from the reactions, I could see that this is a very big problem that may need a very long time to be sorted out.

As you know, my Tuesday column is strictly for women while Friday is for men. I have noticed that when guys read Tuesday articles they are very happy and always bombard me with beautiful text messages. The same happens when ladies read the Friday column; I get wonderful messages from ladies as against the stones thrown at me when it doesn’t suit them. It will not always go the way we want it; that is life.

I will start with daughters-in-law. I believe every woman was, is, and would be a daughter-in-law. The mothers-in-law were sometime daughters-in-law and daughters-in-law will someday become mothers-in-law. This is life;what goes around, comes around. When you understand that life is “turn by turn” as the musicians said it, you will be careful how you go through it.

I know how difficult and frustrating it could be when you try and do all you can to make someone happy only for the person to keep on returning evil for good. In fact, it will take the spirit of God, an exceptional one for you to go on in your good deeds. A lot of good women and wives have been pushed to the point where they eventually become, like one of my friends says, worse than hurricane Katrina. I know there are women who are from very good homes with godly upbringing, but they became different people after marriage due to blows received from life and in-laws.

There are also women who are from very bad homes with no good upbringing and training received from the mother. This is why it is always advisable to check out the family and upbringing of the woman or man you want to go into marriage with. If the mother maltreats the father and other people around her, there is every tendency that your wife will have issues with your mother and siblings.

But there are also some girls from very good homes and with very godly upbringing, but from mixing up with peers, have cultivated some attitudes and mentality that are completely opposite of what they were brought up to know.

I have heard girls say they don’t want to get married to a man whose mother is still alive. I know this statement could have been made out of fear and anxiety. I know some girls say things like this after experiencing what their mother or sister went through in marriage. But I also don’t think it is a good enough reason for anyone to wish another dead. If you are someone with this kind of heart, it says one thing—you are not in love with the man because if you are, you won’t pray for anything that can cause him pain.

Some women, even before getting into marriage, have this phobia for mothers-in-law. This is what makes a girl start fighting every one related to the man the moment she enters his house. Some of these mothers-in-law battles are actually ignited by daughters-in-law. Because of the mindset you carried into the marriage, you are careful not to be turned to a piece of rag by anybody. Your friends and sometimes your mother, advised you before the wedding, not to give her a chance and so even when the woman sees you as her own daughter and is very free with you, you want to protect your home.

You really have to be careful not to start a fire you cannot quench. There is nothing as strong as love. No matter how tough that woman is, you can change her with love and prayers. Your husband may never tell you, but the truth is that he is not happy about your relationship with the mother.

Also know that there are times these mothers-in-law do things, not because they are wicked, but because that is their level of reasoning. You must know that many of them are not educated and exposed and, she could have been too attached to her son before you came into his life.

You may not understand, but it is always not very easy for them. Before you came, she had the son’s attentions whenever she needed it and controlled him at will. Then comes this total stranger who didn’t know what she went through to train him up and now the son is gone. This is funny, but I can tell you that is what plays on their mind.

They see us as intruders who shouldn’t have a place in their sons’ lives. We shouldn’t blame them because it is somehow natural. We are the ones who passed through the university and read psychology; we should be able to have things under control.

I understand there are times they make you feel like going mad. I know you have tried many times to hold your peace when they do what they shouldn’t do. I have heard friends in church say they attended a particular meeting, not because they wanted to, but because they saw it as a good opportunity to run away from the mothers-in-law. I know there are some very difficult ones who can never be pleased, but as my people say, “onye aghugho nwuo, onye aghugho elie ya” (if a cunny man dies, another cunny man buries him). You should be able to match her, not by staging a fight or doing things that are disrespectful; you should be able to use wisdom and love to defeat her.

I told a story sometime ago of how my mother-in-law one day said something that should ordinarily lead to some misunderstanding, but with wisdom, I was able to turn it to a joke. I remember taking her to the hospital when she came to Lagos for her routine medical care. I wore a very long skirt, it was in vogue then, and the slit stretched from my ankle to the knee.

She didn’t say anything until we got to the hospital. In the presence of the nurses and other patients, my mother-in-law complained about the skirt. In my usual manner, I didn’t get upset and I am sure people expected me to be. Amidst laughter, I told her that was the in-thing and that I was going to buy it for her when she was going back. Everyone started laughing and that was the end of that case.

I want you to start seeing your mother-in-law as your own mother because that is the only time you will stop misinterpreting her words and actions. Stop feeling she is talking about you whenever she decides to speak to her son in private. Allow her, after all, the son still comes back to tell you everything they talked about and I can tell you that most times, they don’t talk about you. The greatest problem we have is our heart and that is why you must have to be in control always.

I know some mothers-in-law are reading this now. You really have to understand that your daughter-in-law did not come in to take your son away from you, but to complement him. I want you to count yourself blessed by God; He decided to give you a daughter just like that. I know you had issues with them during their marriage and you never wanted your son to get married from her tribe; that is where your son found love and you have to live with it.

You just have to accept her and no matter what she had done in the past, please forgive her as a daughter and take her in. I know she is there to become a source of blessing and joy to you; please give her the chance to show you how much she loves you. She yearns for that moment when she can freely make your meal without fear of rejection and some scolding before strangers. She wants to be free to enter your bedroom and do whatever she likes with no one being afraid of the other.

Fellow young women, we have a greater role to play in this. Don’t say you won’t go to her again because of what she did the first time you tried. Allow her to go to your pot and enter your room just the way your mother does. The moment you agreed to marry that man you love, you agreed to have a relationship with everything around him. You can never tell me you love your husband when you hate the woman who brought him into the world. Don’t give up, go to her again and try. Keep trying until you win her over with love. I know you will.

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Posted by on September 27, 2011, 11:55 am. Filed under Columns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

48 Comments for “Daughter-In-Law Versus Mother-In-Law”

  1. Jay canada

    Amara..I dont know where you got this sort of wisdom,but God is with you and God will continue to bless you.I know you might be married,and i’ll like my wife to be your friend.Can you please send me your number,so that i can give her.I see even from your pic that you’re more matured than her even in age,and they say a good association elevates,but bad association corrupts good minds.Its people like you that i’ll want her to have as friends,bcos our women of nigeria these days,mostly the young ones need special intervention from God.If alot of them can be like you ohh what a wonderful life would be.

  2. Jay canada

    Amara@Sorry my email is gclinton99@yahoo.com and phone number +16472863593

    • dan omoh

      chai…what a cheap way of razzling a babe… my guy grow up and find a means of hooking up with babes. for starters, a decent married man would not splash his number fo the world to see. HABA!!! where is ur decency. anyways, i trust amara not to decend so low to send her number to u. if u are for real. send ur wife visiting in nigeria and ask her to email amara to meet her in person…. guy don see fine babe dey lie say ein wan make ein wife hook up….LKMAO!!!

      • Jay canada

        Dan omoh@Paddy no be everybody be foolish man like you ohh,1st of all our face different na so our minds too different.If na so you take the razzle babes for places like this,then that na your own wahala,for me i no get intention of razzling babe here..My wife is an angel and to think about it,am not in nigeria and i no think say i go they here when i dey they razzle babe when they nigeria as a married man.So paddy na you need to grow up,and begin think positively.Amara gave me her number,the babe no be yeye person,for your information she get counselling centre for v.i and many married couples they go there for counselling.If you want go meet her for counselling call me make i give you her number.And stop fooling yourself ok.

  3. henry jackson

    Wisdom is profitable to direct,be prayerful too and with a strong mental maturity,you will succeed.Its not something we can wish away or pray they die,but its a challenge you must rise up to.

    We spend so much time making up and dressing up,we spend so much time complaining,SPEND THE SAME TIME IN PRAYERS,ASKING FOR THE RIGHT COUNSEL AND WISDOM TO HANDLE THE SITUATION.Lets also remember the “law of harvest”.

  4. Welma

    Jay canada, I suggest you send Amara your wife’s email and phone number not yours….if this is really about your wife.

    • Jay canada

      @Welma,How do you want me to send my wifes number to amara?through this means?when people like you are here,sorry whoever you are,and for your information amara sent me a text message with her number and i’ve spoken to her and given her number to my wife also.So you can go and die for all i care hahahahaha…

      • dan omoh

        LAIR, i just spoke to amara and she denied ever sending her number to u talk less of talking to u. GUY u don dey craze oh. see as u dey lie for woman wey don marry. MUMU like u. wait make welma hold u first, u go change ur stupid name from jay to jail…IDIOT!!

        • Jay canada

          dan omoh@Call me for even 1 minute and introduce yourself i promise to text you amara’s number yeye foul,i sure say that welma na ur babe.What a foolish way to take side with you dirty babe.Mumu idiot.Call me my number they there,or text me if you cant call make i text u amara number big fool.

  5. deco

    haha na laugh i dey laugh for jay and welma o.

  6. Evans

    I love reading your articles cos i get more info and wisdom from them. Even before now, I have promised myself that I will do all my best to be in good term with my mother-in-law no matter how difficult she may be.

    Thump up Amara.

  7. segun

    Amara may u continue to grow from wisdom to wisdom. You are a good gift to this generation. May the good lord cntinue to guide and protect you. You are a wndaful woman. God bless ur home

  8. orjimos

    madam, i must commend your writting, infact, God is using you to touch lives. Permit me to add that this is your ministry. How i wish our young women will read this.

  9. chuba

    Amara once again u’ve written a wonderful piece. God will always bless you and perfect all that concerns you. You have written, if only they will hear.

  10. Jossy Ukpong

    Really luv dis write-up. Well delivered. My mother-inlaw 2 be loves me and I luv her too. She said “Josephine u are a 2nd mother 2 my son. Pls treat him well 4 me. If u ve any issues let me kno. If he does anythin funny; stage a war & I’ll back u up, I luv him so much,pls take care of him”. Its abt d family. A mother-inlaw dat dos’nt respect her own hubby can neva luv anoda. Ladies shd watch out b4 getting married 2. Well like u said prayer & wisdom is d key if one has a mother-inlaw dat dos’nt luv dem. Mind u my mother-inlaw 2 be is not educated. God bless u my lovely 4rnd,Amen.

  11. Juve

    Well done Amara.but i tink mothers- in- law,ar like watchdogs over their sons,after all,ts very xpensive to rear a son than a daughter,so they want 2 scrutinize the girls before givin their sons.dnt forget,som daughters-in-law are fraudsters.

  12. Gina

    @Oga Jay Canada, you always make me laugh any time I read your comments. Amara has made your day by contacting you, good for you!.
    Let’s just hope you give your wife her number as I assume she (your wife) has access a computer , can go on the internet , read Amara’s much loved articles and can also make contact with Amara if she wants to- not through you.
    On a serious note have you considered setting up an “Amara fan club?”- Food for thoughts.

    Brother Jay Canada , take am easy now, so Welma can go and die just because she made a comment that affected your ego. You are truly living up to the brotherly Christian love.

    • Jay canada

      I no knw wetin come concern you ohh gina,if i give my wife her number or she gets it herself,wht business of urs is it.read and learn not attack pple through this means.Am did it for me and my family not you or anybody commenting here.Ok.

      • dan omoh

        My feind shat up there. see the unmanly way u talk to ladies in this forum. i am totally disappointed and saddened by this development. It shows clearly u are not married and only wanted to hit on amara.. i know ur type, canada based wannabe nigga, that struggles all ur life abroad and finally return home after 50 yrs with nofing to show for ur sorjourn, be there making moves on decent married women and waste ur years. as for the ladies stop talking harsh to them or else we will come and flog u very well inthat ontario that u are hiding…. IDIOTA

        • Jay canada

          hahahahah u too foolish,i think say u get sense sef,you leave important matter when you and welma and co suppose comment on they bother about amara number,i no knw where this matter for they pain you ohh.hahaha like i told welma if e too pain you jump into the closest river near you and die ohh. hahahahahaha…

  13. ak

    amara am inspired by this admonition.Please continue to educate the minds of nigerians.Nice job

  14. Jay canada

    I no knw wetin come concern you ohh gina,if i give my wife her number or she gets it herself,wht business of urs is it.read and learn not attack pple through this means.I did it for me and my family not you or anybody commenting here.Ok.

  15. Peace

    God bless u! U ve said it all Amara… Need 2 knw u more…are u on facebk ,i wish 2 add u as a friend pls…so dat i can be able 2 reach dis ur word of wisdom…tanx

  16. warren

    well, in life, there is marriage ethics and once you go against those ethics, it becomes miserable to both parties. the experience l have got in this institution called marriage is quite stunning but well, let’s still hang our hopes in God our maker for a better tomorrow. it is obvious that the statistic equilibrium of broken homes caused by mother-in-laws is quite on a high side and l presume it is high time we MEN device means with dexterity on tackling the impediments or should l call it a motivated menace. mother-in-laws are just the pain in the ass and in most cases, when one tries to manage the ugly situation, the wife folks would ring you with accusation that she is not surprise bc you must support your people. to cub-web this issue of daughters and mother-in-laws, our government has to come in by providing an institution of marriage course that could take these candor in marriage down the spines of every young ladies and young men’s hearts before going into it. this issue is very resolute and should not be ignored at all spheres as it has dealt with miilions of homes simply bc of lack of proper awareness in the unionism. and again, higher % of men and women fail to acknowledge God first before going into marriage as a result, it boils down to trouble after trouble. these are the huddles in marriage that God puts away if you seek Him before entering any marriage. Without God first, one would at the end turn himself to something else like a man that uses second hand cars that always make every mechanic his best friend.

  17. Amara good words of advice, but what if the mother-in law is spiritually revealed to be a witch,should the wife still take the risk of associating fully with her. Pls i need a response to this.

  18. Don Emmy

    Amara,I’ve been reading your articles but this is the first time I’ll comment ever since.Your write-up reminds me of my wife.She exudes the kind of wisdom you displayed here such that she sees my mother as hers.Quite frankly,I am everly so proud of her that my mum and my wife have never made the slightest complaint against each other to me.That’s the same way I took her mum.People need to know that life is about values and appreciating one’s mother-in-law is actually a demonstration that you’re glad to be part of that family.I agree with you on absolutely everything,especially on the part where you suggested younger ladies shouldn’t descend to the arena in response to a comment by mothers-in-law.When you say the truth,it doesn’t matter who is in agreement.This article will surely help lots of people out there.Thank you.

  19. GOLD

    It is undiluted ignorance that makes any daughter-in-law to think that her mother-in-law will be relegated after marriage. The daughter-in-law will one day become mother-in-law. Women and Men SHOULD realize that parents can not be relegated in their marriages as they will ONE day become parents!. If the parents did not give good education, proper upbringing etc to the boy or girl, will young couples see a polished man/woman to marry? A young married lady will be so protective of her little boy. The protection goes on till the boy becomes of marriageable age even after marriage!. Tell me, which woman will labour (investments) for such a long period and another woman in the name of wife will just come and shield her from having access to her son (fruit of labour)?. This also goes her daughter. A man can not just marry her and think her parents should be relegated!. Young Wives should understand this point that they too will become mother-in-laws and will want to be treated politely by their daughter-in-laws

  20. Welma

    Jay canada, I pulled your string just a little and wow! did you SING! Please, learn to make your point without wishing someone DEAD! This is what gives Christians a bad name-no hard feelings, and so you know I was only pulling your legs-you know? Joking?
    Now that Amara sent you a text-now we all know-I hope you enjoy your “accomplishment.”

  21. Jay canada

    dan omoh@hahahahah u too foolish,i think say u get sense sef,you leave important matter when you and welma and co suppose comment on they bother about amara number,i no knw where this matter for they pain you ohh.hahaha like i told welma if e too pain you jump into the closest river near you and die ohh. hahahahahaha…

    • dan omoh

      @ JAIL CANADA, see uncivilized fool talking. do u even know how to treat a lady and yet u talk to welma et al anyhow. i pity u, from ur statements its clear u are one razz fool husstling to survive wherever u are……PITY! make i catch u first, u go know say pikin dey grow up drink kai kai before ein fit talk to elders…… FOOL

      • Jay canada

        @Dan omoh, i still maintain that you’re a fool,you dey online and they see my number send me txt now bastard woman rapper like you,make i send you the amara number when wan make you and welma die.And for the notice am proud to let you know that i can feed you and your extended family and still be comfortable.And from here its shows again that you dont have regards for you parents,i wont be surprised that you’re one of those yahoo yahoo boyz online spoiling the name of the nation.See civilized person when they drink kai kai before he talk to his elders..Na so ur papa teach you say them take they civilize abe?You when wan catch me sef hahaha.. maggot like you.hahahahah well na hungry they catch you.Make i just leave you sef.

  22. Jay canada

    @Dan omoh, i still maintain that you’re a fool,you dey online and they see my number send me txt now bastard woman rapper like you,make i send you the amara number when wan make you and welma die.And for the notice am proud to let you know that i can feed you and your extended family and still be comfortable.And from here it shows again that you dont have regards for your parents,i wont be surprised that you’re one of those yahoo yahoo boyz online spoiling the name of the nation.See civilized person when they drink kai kai before he talk to his elders..Na so ur papa teach you say them take they civilize abe?You when wan catch me sef hahaha.. maggot like you.hahahahah well na hungry they catch you.Make i just leave you sef

  23. Gina

    Oga Jay Canada, take am easy now abeg.I am sure you are doing Amara proud, with all your talks and comments.I am sure she will be having a feast that she gave you her number (that is if she gave you sha o). I think you have a split personality, one minute you are quoting the bible and preaching ( as you did in previous articles), the next your are swearing, cursing and using foul language and words that only the lowest of the lowest of society use. Which one you dey gan self?? You need to deal with your demons o-this one na true advice and for your wife all I can say- “God bless you my sister,for putting up with this man, the reward of your patience is waiting for you in multiple folds”.

    • Jay canada

      @Gina my wife cannot be as low as most pple here now,and see gina forget about bible here.When pple like una refuse to mind the main business which is the article and begin to attack pple unncessarily,thats what you get.They say give a pig a pigs food not food meant for human beings.So what am doing is giving any pig who cannot afford to give his or her self respect here what they deserve.I asked for a lady’s number through this means bcos i dont know how to reach her,is that a crime or something wrong?why una no leave amara to bother about me asking for her number before una begin they run stupid mouth for here.If you cant comment on the article which i think is why they have readers comment column here,then shut up,read and move on to another article on pm news,dont look for pples’s comments and begin to find a way to let the world know that you can read and write.The reason i asked for amara’s number is my bussiness,and you people should learn one thing here,everybody has a different mindset and focus in life,and so long as you’re doing what you know is right to yourself,and also to humanity.You should be proud of what you do,i have friends who are going through difficulties in marriage and relationships,i have also advised them to read and if possible contact amara for counselling since i spoke to her.I dont see any reason why i should come here and begin to lie or insult pple,but when pple who dont have upbringing decide to let you know the foolishness their made of,then dont hesitate to help them by putting words into their ears.So that they can change.This column is supposed to be for suggestion and comments,so that we all can learn,not to attack pple,men attack women,yoruba attack ibo and all that,which is not good.So gina you dont know me and dont think am having fun replying this rubbish sent by you all.But i just want to let you know that am not what you think or feel.I wanted her number bcos i felt it useful and of help not only to me but to pple around me.So pls youself make you learn,dont judge pple just like that,the number i asked for is not part of the article,when things dont concern you abeg waka pass,b4 u become tatafo…or amebo as una they call am.

      • Jay canada

        @gina i no ask for your number,or anyone here for that matter.Maybe you go try apply to pm news and begin write good articles when go touch me,then i can then ask to know you.If i feel you’re with the kind of wisdom when you think say you get,and if wetin you they write get any impact to play in my life or that of my family.Otherwise no use this medium to try draw familiarity and unnecessary attention to yourself.Abeg ehn…

  24. Nsiegbe

    How could all these uncivilised people be spoiling this beautiful piece by Amara. All of you should shut up if you do not know what to say. Please Amara, WELL DONE!

  25. Gloria Ike

    Amara Nwanne’m, this will go a long way to turn things around for we women. One of dese days, try and write a piece on maltreatment of women on barreness. Lovely weekend ahead

  26. Toy Lag,

    Na wa o, y una turn this forum into quarelling column na, make una take am easy. Oga Jay Canada, pls it’s O.k abeg. Amara Keep the good work up, you are always wonderful.

  27. Lajand

    Amara, you have done well again. Pls keep keeping on!
    @Jay. I don’t think what people said was out of place. You don’t bring your problem to the market place, you bring your skills. You were asking for Amara’s number in the market place and publishing your own and you expected people not to say something. Of course, these are intelligent people, they have to say something. Anyhow, you can’t be fighting everybody. I hope you are not losing it or must be the cold. :-)
    Don’t worry I’m in Canada as well – I feel you bro.

  28. well done lady that is good of you the issue of mother in law and their daughter in law is like a man marring 2 wives the senior one which is the mother in law will be jealous of the junior one which is the wife that is how the world of daughter and mother in law is. i ve similar thing beside me and its really pinning me down.

  29. Welma

    Jay canada please, do ponder over this quote “better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”
    God bless and this will definitely be my last comment regarding this because your mindset is quite disturbing.

    • Jay canada

      Dis is to apologise to the following pple,(welma,gina,& dan omoh)for using this means to request for amara’s number and also putting my number here,atleast this is the crime according to you pple i committed b4 all the very intelligent comments and attack from you pple,according to my broda and canadian friend Mr lajand.I hope this settles the conflict and annoyance in you all.Godbless…

  30. Lajand

    @Jay. You’ve done the noble thing. Thank you! Let’s all try to accommodate one another next time. I believe everyone here meant well.

  31. Welma

    Jay canada, thank you for your noble comment. Through it you give me hope that we-Nigerians- can tolerate and accomodate one another regardless of how different we are, and without malice. If you read my comment again I was just pulling your legs-there was no malice at all, I had hoped that you would get the humor in it-I apologize if you took great exception to it.
    God bless you my brother.

    • Jay canada

      @welma,i’m glad that you’ve accepted my appology,of a truth i had no evil intention when i asked amara for her number.And i dont know her from anywhere until i started reading her articles on pm news,so i dont think of anywhere i would have asked for her number apart from this place,and if i just ask her for her number without putting mine,i think it will look foolish of me,and thats why i decided to put my number and email there,and i thank amara herself,bcos she understood me,that very day she sent me a text and i called her.I even got to know she has a counselling centre for couples.No one knows everything,i see her as someone with a gift and women and young ladies could learn alot from her on how to conduct themselves.I have no regret’s asking for her number.But i was amazed by comments here that i was looking for her number for something different.No,we should learn how not to conclude just by what we feel.You have to hear from others before conclusion.But if you pple insist that collecting her number through this means,when they was no other way i could have gotten it is wrong then i accept.Thank you once again for accepting my apology.

  32. There’s noting wrong with anybody asking 4 amara fon No. through this medium. how else could he go about it. Amara is a public figure and knt b bordered by dat. Let every1 b matured and mind his/her business! thanx all

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